The Ugly Cupcake

I always take things way more symbolically then I want to. It’s my thing I guess. I don’t even believe in signs and such. So why then , does my heart suddenly gets a life of its own and starts thinking when it doesn’t have to?

My profile personality is called Dreamy Idealist. People like me believe in greater things, or at least that everything around you is greater then you. You put the people who are closest to you up on a pedestal wearing a halo. If they stand there in their awesomeness then you wouldn’t mind if I stood in the dirt looking up on them. So that wherever you were you still had hope to believe in. That would help you keep going on.

But when the truth starts so break free you realize that they don’t want to be on that pedestal of yours. They are humans not gods. Your thought of this perfect world starts to shake. The illusion you created in your mind shatters and you are running around trying to pick up the pieces before they fall to the ground. Got a few cuts and scars in the process.

I remember this one time I was with a friend and we were feeling creative and inspired so we decided that we should make blueberry-cupcakes. You know, those really good ones that always pop out from the other cakes since it’s so huge. And my cupcakes were going to be exactly like that.

We printed out the recipe, went to the store and gathered things for baking, and we did exactly as it stood in the recipe. Expect for one thing. I misread the point about the blueberries. They were supposed to be stirred in gently, and I kind of squashed them instead. Because of this the bowl was glowing with this beautiful purple color. And that’s when I realized my mistake. I did something wrong. For a second I was thinking stop the whole things, now it’s all ruined. But I thought, hey you know what, maybe it won’t be so bad after all. Maybe this is the creating of a whole new meaning of the word delicious.

It got worse. As I put them in the oven that beautiful purple color it had darkened, into the awful vomiting looking color. My friend was trying to comfort me with things like “hey they look bad, but maybe they taste good”. They didn’t. Not to me at least. In that moment I was telling myself that those cupcakes were just like my future life.

What if I fall for this wonderful guy. He isn’t everything I want but I love him and I know that this thing here, it’s something more than words can explain. I date him for months, even years and everything is great. I even marry him although I would probably have to be either drunk or tied to a chair to make such a huge decision. Then suddenly reality checks in. The beautiful color I saw in him darkens. It’s not his fault. It’s just life. After a few years in marriage the dreamy light fades. It’s only natural to. But of course we still have that good taste left. Love.

But with the disappointed feeling that I’m having about how my life turned out to be what if I can’t see it. Like the ugly cupcake who actually didn’t taste that bad, it just lost some of the sparks.

And with those thoughts eating me up inside, I would become that ugly cupcake myself instead. Still got it, but when he compares me to the ones in the store-disk then his going to crave something more.

Then where is that power of love that I wanted to believe in?

I need to put people on pedestals and watch them shine on me to help myself to hold on.

But if someone falls, I fall too.

And since I’m already much lower down I’m going to fall deeper and deeper into the mud.

What I really need is to find that cupcake that pulls me up from the dirt and shines from the dirt along with me making me so focused on his presence that I forget about the pedestal and eventually it just falls apart by itself.

My shining dirt-bag, are you waiting for me too?
/ Your ugly cupcake.

All these life theories from one ugly sets of cupcakes.

Imagine what kind of life a create for myself when I see an overrun animal on the road.